Without You
by QueenoftheWilderwest
Summary: In the aftermath of Astrid nearly drowning, Hiccup has a realization: without Astrid, who is he anyway?


It's more than just a feeling.

It isn't an inkling in the back of his brain, a small worry that could be glossed over with the right distraction or change of thought. It isn't something that would fade into the distance with the passing of time or a conversation or two. This isn't one of those average anxieties that are gone as quickly as they came.

The feeling's big, too big, it fills him up, tears at his heart and finds its way to his stomach, churning everything every which way. His fingertips itch, his body begging him to do something to fix it.

It's Astrid. She's been gone for the whole day, with not a single word as to where she would be. Hiccup knows that she can take care of herself, hell, it's one of things that he… It's one of the things that makes her such a good second-in-command.

He's been repeating that thought in his head over and over again all day, but as the clouds draw in closer and thunder claps begin to shake the buildings, the worry that something is wrong becomes overbearing.

He knows that Astrid can look after herself, that's one fact that he's absolutely sure of.

But he would never forgive himself if she ever got hurt.

* * *

His fingers are frozen around the dragon saddle.

Astrid slips down below the surface of the sea.

He doesn't think. He lets himself drop.

Falling.

Wind screaming in his ears.

The water rushes in up in his nose as through his ears, but he can't think about that right now, he's just got to keep pushing, his arms propelling him forward so that he can grasp Astrid's hand. She just keeps falling further. He pushes harder. Contact. Skin on skin. With all his strength, he pulls himself upwards in the water, kicking as hard as he can. His lungs scream for air and he can feel the weight of his metal leg pulling him back down into the deep depths, but he keeps a tight grip on Astrid's limp form, doing all he can to get back up to the surface.

Air.

Deep, panicked breaths.

Toothless' claws wrap around his, pulling them both back up into the sky.

Hiccup holds her close, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. Her name leaves his lips, over and over again, and all the while he makes silent prayers to whatever gods might be listening, please, _please_ , don't take her from him, he doesn't know what he'd do without her.

And then, just as Hiccup's just about to give up hope, as he's about to let the tears fall and let all this anguish he'd been keeping bottled up choke free, her eyes slide open.

"What took you so long?"

He does cry then, he cries as he holds her close and buries his head into her shoulder, because she's okay, holy Thor, she's okay, she's okay, she's okay.

He lets Toothless do all the work in guiding them home, only putting effort into making the dragon's tail work, while putting all of his extra energy into holding Astrid.

They touch down on the Edge, and Hiccup carries her back to her hut.

* * *

It had been a longer day than Hiccup had thought it would be.

Astrid drowning. Dragon hunters. Ryker. Dagur. Heather.

He knows that other things should be on his mind. When it comes right down to it, the safety of the Edge, Berk and all of those dragons should be far more important right now, but at the moment all he can think about is his second-in-command, currently in the dragon stables, her arms wrapped around Stormfly.

She almost died.

The thought strikes Hiccup in the chest, his heart speeding up at the thought. 'Astrid' and 'dead' are two words that don't go well together in his mind and trying to fit them together makes his head spin. It wasn't just her drowning either – it was those arrows of the dragon hunters, Stormfly convulsing out of control, Astrid falling down onto the deck into the clutches of those awful people. Too many times he had almost lost her in the space of one day.

"Hiccup?"

Hiccup's head jerks upward to see Astrid standing in the doorway to his hut, where he's been sitting and wringing his hands.

She wanders in and settles next to him. "Hiccup, I know you're worried about the Ryker and the dragon hunters, but you can't-"

"That's not what I'm worried about," Hiccup says before she can finish her sentence. "At least, not at the moment."

"Then what are you worried about?"

Hiccup swallows, tapping his fingers on his knees. He sighs. Might as well say it. "You."

"Me?" Astrid raises her eyebrows, the pitch of her voice rising with the question.

"You… You almost died," Hiccup says. "If Toothless and I hadn't found you in time, you'd have drowned."

"This is what all this is about? Hiccup, things like that happen all the time-"

"I know." Hiccup's teeth are gritted. His fingers curl around the wooden bench, his knuckles turning white. "I just wish they didn't."

"I hope you aren't going to give me a speech about not risking my life," Astrid says, her voice lowering. "Because I'm a _Viking_ , Hiccup, it's what I do. And you can't talk, you could just as easily have died jumping in there to save me."

"I'd risk everything to keep you safe."

Silence. Hiccup's words hang in the air. Time seems to fade away while Astrid stares at him. It might have been minutes that passed, but it could also be hours.

"That doesn't mean I'm not going to take risks," Astrid says, after she recovers herself. "These dragon hunters are nasty business. If something happens, and I'm not there to help when I could be, I'll never forgive yourself."

Hiccup frowns, staring at the floor. "I'm not going to stop you from doing anything, Astrid. You can take as many risks as you want. I'm just saying that if something happens and I have to make a choice between saving your life or keeping mine, it's going to be yours every time."

Astrid doesn't miss a beat. "Same goes for me."

"Astrid, I have Toothless and I-"

"And I have Stormfly." Astrid's voice is firm. "What makes you think this works any differently for you?"

"Because I can't lose you!" he shouts.

He slams his hands down onto the bench and there is silence once more.

His voice is much quieter when he next speaks, barely above a whisper. "I can't lose you."

"What?"

Hiccup looks up at her and sees that she's staring down at him with intent eyes, laced with some kind of emotion that Hiccup can't place.

"Astrid, I… I can't. I'd be devastated if we lost anyone on this team, but if I lost you, I don't think I would be able to go on. I wouldn't be able to do this anymore. For a moment today I thought you were going to die, and it all became real to me. I can't do this without you."

His voice shakes as he speaks, and by the end, he's scrubbing at his eyes with the back of his hands to stop himself from crying.

Astrid reaches out and curls her fingers around his. Goosebumps prick on his skin at her touch.

"Hiccup, it's the same for me, okay?" She lifts up his cheek so that they are both looking into each other's eyes. "You're my best friend. You're more than that. I wouldn't want to live knowing that you had given up your life for me."

She inches closer, their foreheads touching as she presses her lips against his. At first Hiccup is still, but after a few seconds pass, he reaches up and slides his hands around the bottom of Astrid's cheek and her chin, removing all distance between them. Astrid wraps her arms around Hiccup's shoulders and buries her head into his neck as the kiss ends.

"We're better together," Astrid whispers. "Don't do anything to change that."

"You neither, okay?"

"Okay."

For that night, they stay in each other's arms. Tomorrow, they'll wake up and be the leader and the second-in-command that everyone at the Edge has grown accustomed too. But for now, they just need each other.


End file.
